Updated: Oct 21, 2021
Lou is my wilderness. -Aug 2021 (this is google translation) It's almost getting annoying how I talk about my book/ you can talk about it, philosophize about it or do something with it. Now after 1.5 years of collecting stories about how to get up from the kitchen floor to the only way is UP I want to merge the story so much but with my unstructured and ADHD chaotic brain it has become a task. I want so badly but out of despair no beautiful things can arise. Wanting to talk a lot about the book also comes from insecurity to get confirmation from friends and family, but they don't do this about their work either. It is personal and vulnerable, therefore shitting in my pence to send it to a publishing house.
But this is all micro level. The book is about a spiritual growth that you as a reader can make. You may see spiritual awakening as a great benefit after the collapse of your life, but everything comes in baby steps. If you had told me after lou's diagnosis. “Well honey, you will grow enormously as a person because of this”, then I would have wanted to hit you. Because life was very unfair then, painful for lou for me and for all those around me. You want every child to be able to run, pick up toys and make friends with whoever they want. We all went to bed crying. How's it going? Getting up was out of the question, dazed, stunned like a zombie walking through life for 1.5 years-2 years.
nd it's great to get up in 1.5 years and say: this is the life we are going to lead. A long and happy life. And I got it. I have it and am very grateful for it. It is now August 2021, 6 years later after D-Day. Six full years and there are no more shaky legs, I feel peace, calm and a habit in my life of care, health and well-being. Even in the hospital visits at too regular times in our lives. It's part of our life. Going out the door unprepared is impossible. I consider neurologists, doctors, carers to be an important network and over the years we have developed a warm bond. Now that the weather is going very well with lou, I like to send a video of Lou on football or when he is swimming once a year. The doctors, the science and we fought so hard for his life.
It would be good for everyone to go into rough nature like in australia. The Netherlands is more of a raked park. When you step into the rugged nature of Australia in the wilderness, you know “. I am part of nature. My ego cannot survive here. The ego is wildly torn by nature there.
And that's it: Lou's health is my wilderness. My ego has been wildly torn apart by its nature and a spiritual awakening has ensued, leading to a new vision of life. I sometimes call it the fall of my ego towers. After 4.5 years of fighting and 1 year of recovering, I finally feel peace and calm to share the story about the wilderness. Because nature arises as it wants and operates in a strange way that we have no control over and that we as humans have to surrender completely to this.
There are 200 children in the world born with a shortage of proteins, which translates into a special gene abnormality. The GNA01 anomaly. These proteins play an important role in the communication between movement of the body and the brain . They don't work together. The control is missing, which means that these children often cannot sit, cannot walk in 95% of the cases and cannot talk. 200 children and 1 of these 200 children fell into my lap in a 1 older family with a wide network of love to the most wonderful people. But I did get him alone, where everyone around me and his sweet partner had a healthy baby, we went into hospitals from 9 months old. It's even easier to become a billionaire on this earth, so for me this is my big jackpot. In the wilderness one will see scenes that the eyes can hardly comprehend how beautiful, or how mourning the image is when nature and animals reinforce and tear each other. That's the edge I feel. Seeing Lou in his hospital bed in IC for 3 months is a harsh wilderness, a mourning, a painful image where we fought against the harshness of nature on the one hand, but also wanted to work together with nature again to give Lou a chance of existence again. can give. It is not “we” as humans against nature. I now see it as the lifelong quest for the very best collaboration WITH nature, to come into harmony with ourselves and our environment to give lou a calm body without dystonia. Everything and everything is connected.
The neurologists also told us that medically and with all the examinations and long experience of studies they got lou out of the hospital but that this would never have been possible without our love team, without our full dedication and trust in their team, belief in miracles, without us patience and love and without my meditations. I was able to make contact with lou in the quiet room downstairs of the hospital and vulnerable but where was I allowed and felt that I could share this with the doctors during the team meeting. They were very open to this, which I thought was crazy for 2019. We are not a separate energy from another human being, no other energy than what is going on in nature. I came to realize this hard in the wilderness of our IC time in 2019. Lou's nature requires: l a lot of rest, a lot of sleep, a lot of medicines, good preparations to undertake something, no extreme heat from the sun, no long flights and no overstimulated sounds or extremely busy environments. My wilderness , my nature (before lou's pregnancy) was: never a moment of rest, sleep as an afterthought, chardonnay as relaxation / (or let's say as medicine to numb/satiate adhd) , preference for heat, lots of sun and travel and always, always live in bustle, noise, loud music, crazy moments and spontaneous undertakings and preferably not in silence.
Well if that isn't a transformation then I don't know what is: from my being to his nature. Here, of course, there was no other option but to follow his path. You don't change hard for anyone and as much in your life as for your own child. If I compare his nature with my old nature then I can fondly call lou my natural big bang. He transformed me into someone who now even lives with a wonderful and calm man, enjoy silence, no external things need all the time to calm inside. I think this is the biggest difference that healthy children go with life, the built foundation of the parents and that parents of children with health problems go along with the life and care that the child needs. That is the difference, but also the pitfall. May My I still exist in addition to this care? I think so. My ideas, my wishes for a book, desire to speak in front of a large audience, thoughts to be able to visit friends in Frankfurt more often, to fly to New York with my sisters again (because how are things going after all these years with my baby?), desire to fly a world trip with Sjoerd to all culinary places in the world such as Japan, the dream of starting a kimono company, I will not let it be buried with me when I die. The world is full of graves in cemeteries of the most brilliant women who, in 1750, were allowed to have no ambition but only worry and give birth.
in 1930 were not given the opportunity to implement their ideas, in 1950 did not feel the equality of their abilities in 1980 were not given the opportunity to work part-time by their employers because that did not exist then, in 1990 they were still looked at as part-time went to work and took their children to the crèche "the pathetic key children" (why so pathetic?) . It has been since 2000 , only 20 years ago that it has become more and more normal for women and men to take care of the family and men and women to take care of themselves and their income. That development is (in my opinion) just as old as the Senseo device, younger than pesto and the internet to make it just as concrete. So peep. I may certainly still exist in addition to all the care around Lou. We are here! We are empowered, we have complete freedom as women and as human beings! I feel this from my toes to my heart and back. My years of struggle for freedom, the will to be single, to set up companies, to be financially independent, to create money to be able to go away for weekends again and to travel somehow also limited me by the desire for freedom. When the desire is so great? Is it there? Did I feel it? I felt when I undertook expressions of freedom such as: going out, eating out, traveling, seeing friends in the world but never felt the freedom : IN MYSELF.
My thoughts were caught: I have to do this, I have to make so many turnovers, I still have to go out to dance and shake off all the hard work, chardonannay, liters and liters of charodnnay, cigarettes until my 27th, I have to book tickets for old and new abroad because there is nothing to do here at home. I now have to cycle to yoga to get relaxed again (while lying very tired on the couch and can also do yoga in my living room). Compensate. / Filling / unrest / must / see the matter as a limitation . I liked to hide behind the hustle and bustle of my company. It's so easy not to tackle real life, especially fear of love, especially love to present and prove. The years really just fly by. ..when you're busy. Holy cow what an eye opener that is. The years just fly by when you're busy. Other way around. Years slow down when you live consciously and awake. Until my little awakening was awakened on July 10, 2013 and slowly awakened me into this life and showed me what love is. I felt in my stomach when he turned and contact was already very strong: this boy brings me back on the path of love, because Lou is love. It's my fear-stopper, my big bang, my mind-fuck, my life-turner, my little smiling buddha. . How lucky is that to have such a handsome happy little fellow in your life and forced me no longer to look at the form of life or man but deep inside. I guide lou physically, but actually lou is my spiritual guide. Nice to see it like this, that also keeps me humble in my learning process in Lou's upbringing and care. He reminded me of who I am. A caring mother , a connecting , a writer. Before him I was a commercial entrepreneur, mostly always single, always with friends and family, always on the road, ate at home 1 evening a week. I still like it a bit. I have also seen my friends and sisters change since they became mothers. They have actually become much better at their job due to the lack of full availability, they have learned to set limits, My lack of full availability by Lou has also helped my love life,-) Men like a woman who is not very concerned with them. I should have done much sooner.
I'm not going to put my life down for Lou, no way. I am very proud of what I have been able to experience, see, do and which nice men I have met and dated. I only wish I saw it more as “my free will” at the time (you have a choice do you want to become a big company and expand your staff or are you also very satisfied with x high turnover so that you feel the freedom to do what you also like a lot : like skiing , traveling. ) I never went away for more than 4 days in europe. A week to new york, 2 weeks to new zealand for a wedding of dear friends. In 10 years time I went on a 3 week trip to America with my family, for the rest I wanted to go back to the business as soon as possible. It was one of the most beautiful trips I've ever experienced, New Zealand> My friends got married on Waikiki island. The events continued at home. Why not stay there for 4 weeks? Not having freedom is all in your head. I now feel freer than ever, living a life full of responsibilities and also limitations. It really is a mind-fuck what we do to ourselves.
When the sun shines, I sit in it with a cup of tea. If I miss lin, we drive to each other “right in the middle” and we eat salad by a lake, spend an evening writing my book and then curl up next to s on the couch in front of the TV. Delicious. By sharply replacing the word "must" with "want." Liberation arose. Of course all bills have to be paid, it is a contribution that you pay to be able to lead this beautiful life. Nothing wrong with that, right? I want to take care of lou every day. I don't need this, I want this. We can also outsource the entire care, but that is not my feeling. We're wearing this. I now feel this complete freedom within myself, while being limited in all concerns. The funny thing is.. And the beautiful thing is. My environment with good friends and my family has remained the same. The group has definitely become smaller but oh so deeper the friendships. I know enough and much about their lives and they about mine. I never want to lose them and they never want me. Not even after the Big Bang. They stayed with lou and me not despite our transformation but maybe because of it. What a life. This book is therefore also an ode to lou. Little whopper who has set me on a new track, which I am sure can also give you as a reader a whole new perspective.
I have never experienced traveling through the outback. I also do not dare to surrender to nature and always move over the safe parts. Stand up paddle in friendly lakes, very only on a sea (panic really sets in if I'm not going in the right direction), I feel uncomfortable walking on natural ice outside the track. Something has certainly happened in the relationship with nature after lou's illness, but my connection with nature has also become much more familiar. . In nature lies the silence, peace and surrender. I think that's magical.
In our raked Dutch nature I really enjoy mountain biking through Bloemendaal with Janneke, through the Schoorlse dunes, paddle boarding on beautiful lakes in Vinkeveen. Just calm and nice. I jumped off a 6 meter high river with a raft boat in New Zealand, jumped bungee above a lake. Adreline screamed through my life, through my body. That doesn't work anymore. Lou needs me.
Five years later, lou has the sweetest father and we love and care for lou together. S adopted Lou as his son last April. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. Lou is my wilderness. . Together s and I happily share that wilderness and with our love team and I feel all freedom every day.